I Am Not Ashamed by Barbara Peyton

Barbara Peyton is one of Hollywood's most tragic stories: a beauty who rose to fame at 24, then dove headlong into alcoholism, prostitution, and mental illness. I Am Not Ashamed is her autobiography, 'as told to' Leo Gould in 1967. Gould taped loose conversations, but it is thought he wrote what he wanted.

Pregnant at 17, she left her first husband to model and dance in Hollywood nightclubs, determined to get into pictures. Dubbed the Queen of the Clubs at 21, she partied with friends Ava Gardner and Lana Turner, and went out with every male star in town on 'publicity' dates. A Universal Studios contract put her on top, earning $10,000 a week and in demand. She met actor Tom Neal on a picture and fell crazy in love. She also met suave Franchot Tone, 20 years her senior, and they became engaged. When the jealousy of the two men boiled over, the fight left Tone in the hospital, Payton with a black eye, and headlines around the world. She married Tone but continued seeing Neal. (She was married five times but barely mentions them.)

She was making $100,000 a picture co-starring with Lloyd Bridges, James Cagney, and Gregory Peck, with cheering fans and the world's most handsome men on her arm. Dating producers and moneymen for roles was the game (always omitting names). She used them for what she wanted. She had a lot of energy and left them wanting seconds.

Focusing on her relationships with Tone and Neal, and the many men who craved her (she was Bob Hope's mistress), this is too philosophical to be her own words, reflecting on a looks-based culture yet wise to it all, often calling people out.

Alcoholism struck hard, and by 1954 the only job she could get was the B-film Bride of the Gorilla, and her final film Murder Is My Beat (I think is her best performance).

Her career was over at 27.

Earning nearly a million dollars, her wanton spending left her destitute, and she was charged in 1955 with passing bad checks for liquor. Reduced to handouts from men in exchange for a night out, the habit became her way of life, once selling herself for $500, then even $40 or $20, and sometimes drunk enough to forget to be paid at all. She thought it all a joke. "Not that I'm ashamed. I did what I had to do. But how did I fall so low? How?"

Found beaten and homeless, Barbara Payton died at age 39 the year this was published.

There are better biographies of Barbara Payton, but however loosely this was based on her own words, there is the feeling of her talking directly to you. Not comprehensive, yet an essential part of her story.

1967 / Tradeback / 217 pages